The one thing running cannot cure: How to stay focused after losing a loved one.
Tuesday March 29th 2022.
I remember waking up feeling so energized. I told myself this would be the day I would nail my 5K PR. The weather was unusually cool and I felt like I was flying through the streets of Nassau.
That day I ran a personal best 23:18 5K time.
Three hours later I received the worst phone call of my life: My mother passed away in the hospital in my hometown of Freeport.
The first two days I was in a state of shock. It felt like a dream that my mother left us. Thursday morning I decided to do what I always do when I face loss or trauma. I went for a run along the coast. Halfway through, I experienced my first panic attack.
Reality began to set in. For the first time in ten years, I encountered an obstacle that running couldn’t cure. From issues in my marriage to issues with my son in school to issues on my job, running was always my safe space. It is the place where I make sense of the world around me. It is the place where I tell my readers where to find their strength and clarity.
Yet, running could not tell me how was I supposed to go on without my mom in my life.
For the first time ever, my passion to train was gone. I didn’t want to leave my couch. The moments where I dragged myself out of bed to run were quickly hampered by acute panic attacks. I haven’t had the will to blog since my mom passed away. Until today.
Dealing with the death of my mother has changed my perspective on running. I used to see it as the means to deal with my problems. It became startling to me that I had no real desire to run or to train with my group. There were no amount of miles which could overcome my grief.
Three weeks after my mother’s funeral, I found the will to write and to share with you how I have dealt with run training and grief.
- I have learned to listen not only to my body, but also to mental and emotional state. It is okay to have a bad day and not go out. It is okay to get mental rest.
- Having a bad run or a bad race is all part of the process. I have learned to handle myself with so much grace. My loss is still fresh.
- Running is not the cure all. I continue to embrace it as a time to think, to breathe, to stop, to cry. Dealing with my grief encompasses talking about it, crying when necessary and doing what I need to do to get through my day.
I am thankful that during this time I have been surrounded with so much love, so many listening ears, so many open arms of affection and comfort. Some of these persons I have the privilege of training with, some of them I have the privilege of their friendships.
Running continues to be my passion. I understand its place in my life. I will forever draw on the memory and legacy of my mother in every race I run.
Still Standing. Forever Running.
Coach Linda